Dear Bill Maher,

Okay.  I’ll admit it.  I find you funny even though I find you equally obnoxious.  Not sure why.  Maybe because you tell the truth the way you see it.  I can respect that, even when you’re a douche about it.  I’m sure some people feel that way about me.  They’re welcome to kiss my ass.

But, seriously, dude…  Saying that a Christian metal singer might as well be a “regular metal singer” was totally uncalled for.  Despite the fact that Ozzy snorted ants (at least according to Motley Crue), Brett Michaels will apparently fuck anything in toenail polish, and Dee Snider wore a mullet a LOT longer than anyone else, there’s nothing in the history of “regular” metal bands to suggest their singers are any more likely to hire a cop to kill their wives than anyone else.  Except, apparently, a Christian “metal” singer.  As you pointed out, the Bible outlines a variety of reasons one may legitimately kill one’s wife–if they’re Christian.

Ozzy never tried to kill anyone’s wife, least of all his own.  She’d have his nuts in a jar.  Ronnie James Dio never tried to kill anyone’s wife.  In fact, he was known as one of the nicest guys in rock… bar none.  Bruce Dickinson never tried to kill anyone’s wife, though the idea of him coming after you with a rapier should turn your insides to jelly.  The man can fly a jumbo jet and fence like a master.  But no wife killing.

Rob Halford never had a wife, nor a need for one.  You know, being gay and all.  Don’t think he tried to kill anyone’s wife, least of all his own.

I think you owe all these “regular” metal singers an apology.  They aren’t half the stain that the “As I Lay Dying” singer turned out to be.  Of course, you’re right about one thing.  Christian metal sucks.  Yes, yes it does.  Real metal don’t play that shit.  And, yes, that means that Dave Mustaine is a HUGE douche now.  (Not that it comes as a surprise to anyone–I heard that he was ALWAYS a huge douche).

Speaking of, the Amish beard wearing jackass from Mustaine’s former band, the originator of a truly STUPID-LOOKING trend, never tried to hire anyone to kill anyone else either.

So, yeah, I’d say an apology was in order.  How dare you compare this asshole to the fine metal vocalists to which I’ve referred.  They don’t deserve the smear.

That said, I figure the band in question should have named the band something else.  “As YOU Lay Dying” seems oddly more appropriate now.

Sincerely, a metal fan.